Hosted by Dr. Sarah Hensley, Specialized Social Psychologist, Attachment Theory Expert, and Founder & CEO of The Dating Decoder with Co-host Raina Butcher, Owner/CEO of Joyful Consulting, LLC. 

Welcome to "The Love Doc Podcast" where host Dr. Sarah Hensley and her co-host Raina Butcher dive deep into the intricacies of love, attraction, attachment, relationships, and self-awareness. Dr. Hensley brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to help listeners navigate the complexities of modern romance. In each episode, Dr. Hensley tackles burning questions about love, relationships, and the mind’s complexities, drawing from her psychological research, real-life experiences, and her own individual expertise, to provide insightful perspectives and practical advice.

Episode 33: The Dismissive Avoidant

In this episode of The Love Doc Podcast, Dr. Hensley dives deep into the attachment style that many find both fascinating and frustrating—the dismissive avoidant (DA). While the DA is often seen as the most perplexing of the insecure attachment styles, Dr. Hensley explains that their behaviors are actually the most predictable.

The episode begins with an exploration of two common childhood experiences that shape the dismissive avoidant attachment style. Many DAs report having a “good” childhood—parents who stayed married and supported instrumental needs like attending events. However, upon closer examination, it becomes clear there was little to no emotional support. From a young age, DAs learned that suppressing emotions kept them safe, as big emotions were unwelcome or even punished.

Dr. Hensley then explains the infamous 4-6 month “bait and switch” often seen in DA relationships. In the early stages, they appear open and even vulnerable, but as the relationship deepens, they start to deactivate. These deactivation behaviors—feeling smothered, doubting the relationship, or fearing a loss of independence—are often unconscious yet highly predictable.

The discussion moves to the DA’s core wound: defectiveness. Growing up, their emotions were invalidated, leading them to believe they were inherently flawed. In adult relationships, when their partner expresses intense emotions, the DA subconsciously feels responsible, thinking, “I must be bad if I made you feel this way.” Unfortunately, they lack the capacity to hold space for those feelings, perpetuating the cycle of disconnection.

Dr. Hensley also tackles the topic of sex and intimacy in DA relationships. For some, sex feels like another expectation they’re unable to fulfill emotionally or physically. Others use sex as a way to meet their limited need for emotional and physical connection.

A key highlight of the episode is Dr. Hensley’s explanation of the DA’s trauma responses, particularly their tendency to live in a state of functional freeze. They’re either “on,” constantly busy with tasks to avoid emotions, or “off,” dissociating from the important things in their lives.

Midway through, Dr. Hensley addresses a small subset of DAs who experience severe trauma within the first five years of life. In these cases, the brain shuts down to protect itself, resulting in even deeper emotional challenges, through disconnection, later in life.

The episode concludes with a path to healing for both DAs and their partners. Dr. Hensley provides actionable strategies for recognizing DA patterns in the dating phase and practical interventions for those in long-term relationships or marriages. Through her programs, she has witnessed countless transformations, with DAs finding genuine connection and their formerly anxious partners moving toward secure attachment.

Additional topics include:
• Why DAs are the attachment style most likely to cheat.
• The motivations behind a DA’s decision to heal.
• How the tools and strategies in Dr. Hensley’s coaching program enable true healing for DAs and their partners.

This episode offers hope, clarity, and a practical roadmap for navigating relationships with dismissive avoidants and fostering secure attachment.

Tune in to "The Love Doc Podcast" every Tuesday morning for candid conversations, expert guidance, and a deeper understanding of love and relationships in the modern world. To see all of Dr. Hensley’s services please visit the links below and follow her on social media. 

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